Why is (modern) parenting SO HARD?
Parents get a lot of hate. On the internet, in the grocery store, in the classroom —everybody is quick to blame any child’s “bad” behavior on the child’s parents.
In a way, this makes sense, because parents are responsible for their children. It’s true that a lot of children’s behavior is a direct result of their relationship with their parents.
But it takes a village to raise a child, right?
So why did we, as a society, remove the village, and then proceed to blame parents for not being able to do something that no parents in the history of humankind have ever been expected to do?
Yeah, we could assume that this generation of parents is just incompetent and stupid. That’s the lazy answer: everybody just sucks!
But if we want to take an honest look at the problem and find real solutions, I think we need to be curious about WHY modern parents seem to be struggling in areas where parents from past generations didn’t. What’s changed?
A few things.
The loss of the (geographically close) extended family, who used to provide mentoring and take on some of the work of child-rearing.
The loss of third spaces (spaces outside the home and workplace) where families could be out in public that provided communities who would support parents and help with childcare.
The harm to parents’ mental health from combining the extreme isolation all adults are facing with the complete responsibility for the well-being of another person.
Let’s break this down a little further, and then I’ll tell you what we can do about it.
1. The loss of extended family systems for childcare and moral support
Did you know that in hunter-gatherer societies that still exist, infants are passed between seven or more caregivers within an hour?
That’s how we all used to live — as hunter-gatherers, in extended family groups of a couple dozen people, with many children and adults available to help new mothers with the many, many tasks that come with caring for a newborn.
Compare this to the United States today, when many mothers are expected to be at home with an infant — alone, with no help or support — for several exhausting weeks, and then being expected to return to work. And that’s for the lucky mothers who get several weeks of maternity leave! Many moms get less than 8 weeks — not even the whole fourth trimester. And for moms whose work is inside the home, this isolation continues far beyond the perinatal period.
How is a mom supposed to sleep, eat, and drink enough water to regain and maintain her strength, while also tending to an infant around the clock with no help?
What about the new moms who are already caring for older children, alone? What about the moms who are also expected to maintain their houses and cook meals while recovering?
The luckiest moms are the ones whose partners have (and take advantage of) the option of parental leave, or those with helpful, loving extended families who can be there to help them for at least the first few months after birth. But let’s be honest: how many women are living in those conditions?
For many new parents, the reality is that one or both parents must work during the postpartum period for the sake of their family’s financial security. And beyond that, for the toddler and elementary and even teenage years, parents are solely responsible for finding safe caregivers to cover the hours they’re unable to be with their children.
Compared to those bands of hunter-gatherers who raise their children in community, it’s no wonder that isolated parents in the modern world feel such incredible anxiety and fear.
Instead of the comfort of knowing that your child will be well cared for by people you love and trust whenever you aren’t able to, you have complete and total responsibility for your child’s well-being. And you know you’ll face the judgment of everyone around you if you ever mess up.
Instead of living within a group of knowledgeable adults of multiple generations to observe, learn from, and ask for child-rearing guidance, parents are expected to teach yourselves how to raise children at every age. At the same time, you’re also often maintaining full-time employment, keeping a home, and doing all the daily household tasks that adults are required to do.
Instead of living in a community with children of mixed ages who can play with your children, both entertaining them and teaching them as peers, you’re expected to keep your own child entertained, and engaged, and on track, and intellectually stimulated, all while trying to maintain your adult responsibilities.
It’s no wonder you’re exhausted! Parenting was never supposed to be like this.
2. The loss of (third) spaces where families can be in public
We don’t even have to go back as far as the days when we were all hunter-gatherers to find a time when family life was very different in the US. Before World War II (1941-45), and even more so before the Industrial Revolution (starting in 1760), extended families commonly lived together, or at least within walking distance. (In many parts of the world, this is still the norm.)
Imagine having multiple adults who can babysit who LIVE WITH YOU. Can you imagine the relief?
For most of history and prehistory, in addition to the close support of extended families, most people lived in small communities with regular local gatherings, festivals, and celebrations. Many of these communities’ social lives centered around their local places of worship.
This can be a sticky subject. A lot of modern parents have turned away from their childhood religion because they had negative experiences growing up, or because their beliefs have changed. Some church-going people will say that “people just need to get back in church,” but this ignores the reality that many people came to their discomfort with organized religion through painful personal experiences.
I don’t think the answer is as simple as “just getting back in church”— but I do think it’s worth acknowledging that something has been lost for our families and communities as churches have become less and less popular.
It seems to me that, putting aside the details of any specific belief system, there are many benefits to having places where families can go on a regular basis, with a familiar group of trusted people. In that type of setting, children can create friendships across multiple generations that can last their whole lives, and parents can enjoy the company of other adults. And, as they could in hunter-gatherer families, they can learn about parenting by observing other parents.
Compare this to the other options available to parents who want to go out in public with their kids:
Going to parks and playgrounds, public pools and splash pads.
These have the benefit of (often) being free, but they don’t really foster community, because they don’t have anything for the parents to do except watch their children play. If you’re lucky, you might be able to find another parent to talk to.
Going to events at the public library.
These, again, have the huge benefit of being free! At a weekly story time or play group at the local library, you might meet a small group of parents who show up regularly who you can bond with. Like the playground, though, parents are generally expected to caretake their own child the whole time. That can limit socializing, and there is no other activity for adults.
Signing up for “Mommy and me”/“Daddy and me” groups or classes.
These will probably cost money, but they have the huge benefit of providing a group whose members will meet regularly, have common experiences, and are engaged in a common activity that is often not just about their kids.
Paying to go to a “family” place—a kids’ rock climbing gym, a bowling alley, a theme restaurant, a children’s museum, a zoo.
These are fun ways to get out of the house as a family! But they generally cost money, they are not necessarily regular meeting places where you can see the same people on a weekly basis, and again, they are targeted more to kids than to parents.
Signing kids up for sports leagues and music lessons—and meeting other parents waiting at pickup.
You’ll see the same families every time, and you might be able to connect for one-on-one friendships, but you’re definitely paying to be there, and again, the activity is exclusively for the kids.
For the bravest parents ONLY: taking kids out into public at events not specifically aimed at children.
You’ll be treated to the sighs and grumbles of all the adults around you who seriously hope that family doesn’t sit next to them, and that baby doesn’t start freaking screaming. You’ll feel the judgmental stares of people who watch your toddler have a meltdown and hear the mutters about how they would never let their kid do that. You can whisk your children out of the room or event as soon as they start to throw down, and still hear people grumbling behind you. What a fun outing!
Or – even if none of that happens and your kids act like perfect angels, you will always be aware that, as parents, you are responsible for keeping them motionless, quiet, and within arms’ reach, which probably makes it hard to fully enjoy the event or to connect with other grown-ups. Instead, you’re on your own, constantly vigilant of your child’s behavior and attempting to anticipate any issues that could arise – which you will deal with by yourselves.
Why do I keep mentioning that parents at these events are expected to watch their children the whole time and therefore aren’t able to socialize? Isn’t that selfish of them? Shouldn’t parents just accept that part of what they signed up for is being totally responsible for supervising their children at all times?
Well, in my opinion, no.
No, it’s not selfish for parents to want to have an adult conversation from time to time, and no, it’s not reasonable for us to expect parents to each individually watch their own child at all times. That is an unreasonable burden that was never expected of parents before a few decades ago.
There have always been groups of older children who watch younger children. There have always been elders who take care of young children. There have always been situations where a few adults watch a group of children so the other adults can go about being productive in other ways – including both bonding, and resting.
There are many reasons for these changes to our culture’s expectations of parents that could be topics for future posts. For now, I just want to acknowledge that this expectation is totally new and, in my opinion, very unfair. It’s unfair to parents, who are overburdened by it, and it’s unfair to children, who have neither the benefit of parents who are fully supported, nor the benefit of a wealth of other close adults to learn from as they grow.
There’s another reason I think it’s so hard for parents to exist comfortably in public with their children: Our increasingly unhealthy modern attitude towards families and parenting, which leads to parents feeling judged and unwanted whenever they go out in public. “F*ck them kids!” the angry internet shouts, apparently forgetting that we were all kids once.
Interacting with people who treat them, or their children, with derision leads to families staying isolated and alone in their homes. But that’s a topic for another post!
3. Parents’ extreme isolation is harming their mental health, which impairs their ability to connect with their children.
So we’ve all heard of the “loneliness epidemic,” yeah? And we’ve all personally experienced it? It was definitely exacerbated by COVID, but for myself and a lot of my peers, I know it started back before that. We’ve been lonely since about the end of college, when we moved away from our friends, often to new cities, and started new jobs, which required a lot of time and focus and didn’t leave much space for socializing and making new friends. (And then sometimes, you actually do make a new friend, and you spend a year bonding with them, and you remember how nice it is to have somebody you can just call up and hang with in your city—and then one or both of you moves to a new city across the country. Awesome!)
And families aren’t the only ones who have lost third spaces—the rest of us have, too. We don’t have places to gather for free, either. Our choices as young adults were bars or coffee shops or other places you had to pay to be in, and finding a stable group of people to meet with regularly enough to form a sense of community was difficult then too. We’re all suffering from a lack of gathering spaces.
And how have the rest of us coped with this isolation?
Well, with our phones. With social media. With TV. With video games. With the internet.
I’m not saying this with judgment. For one thing, as much as I try to be mindful of my screentime, I’ve totally done all of the above. For another thing, I think it’s extremely understandable for people who don’t live in close communities to try to find community through technology!
We’re social creatures. We need to connect with each other to feel safe, healthy, and whole. No wonder we love seeing pictures of our friends who live across the continent! No wonder we like having a show or music on in the background. Sometimes, it’s as close as we can get to that feeling of being surrounded by other people in real life. I think it’s unfair to judge ourselves for being comforted by the sounds of human voices.
But what happens when you bring children into the equation?
I’m not here to lecture anybody, because I know parents are stuck between the rock of total isolation and the hard place of being surrounded by tech, but I think we can all agree that screens are addictive for everybody and are particularly bad for children.
I know that I can tell a difference in my own attention span when I’m habitually scrolling social media versus when I’m habitually reading books. I know that for the kids I’ve worked with in the classroom, concentration is a skill that can be improved with practice. Some parents will respond to this by saying that their child can concentrate on games or shows, but in reality, these exact activities are the ones that train children’s brains to be easily bored by real life, because they are designed to be constantly stimulating. When you’re used to being constantly entertained, the slowness of reality becomes unbearable.
But when parents are expected to raise their kids in isolated, single-family households, in cities where they have no extended support system other than ones they pay for, a lot of parents are going to offer screens to their kids — sometimes just so they can spend their own time on their own screens. (Which, again, I think is understandable. Because we’re all just looking for connection.)
Yes, there are other activities to offer children, and yes, they do work and they are wonderfully beneficial. (Montessori is all about developmentally appropriate activities for children, so I will be writing posts about that!) But these activities tend to take time, planning, and resources, which are all things that many parents lack.
Frankly, looking for child-friendly activities can be overwhelming in itself, because the internet is jam-packed with ideas.
But as with many parenting questions, there are a million people who want to tell you what to do, and half of them contradict the other half. If you’re not trained in early childhood education, how are you supposed to know what activity is best?
And what if you try it and your kid doesn’t like it?
How many people have done all the research, bought the materials, found the time and space in the house to set it up for their kid, offered it with enthusiasm and hope—only to have them be totally disinterested? Maybe they play for three minutes; then they’re bored. Maybe they refuse to even try. Maybe they start crying just at the suggestion of trying something new when they’re dying to play Minecraft.
No wonder parents end up handing over the tablet.
How is it fair that parents — who are often offered no training on early childhood development, who sometimes have no experience with other children, and who are living in the same chaotic world the rest of us share — are expected to not only be able to create and maintain developmentally appropriate activities for their kids at every new stage of growth, but also to then convince them to engage with the activities to the point where they choose them independently?
Even as a teacher with a decade of experience working with one age group, that can be challenging! I can’t imagine trying to do it with zero training, and with a child who is changing and growing through every stage of development—and with a world full of people giving advice but no idea who to listen to.
So how is all this affecting parents’ mental health?
Well, there’s the overwhelm of trying to do everything and take care of everyone and work and take care of a home and also be a person, often with basically zero support.
There’s the exhaustion from having to get up in the middle of the night with babies and young kids—from breastfeeding to diapers to midnight vomit—and from the wiggly little person kicking you in the stomach after sneaking into your bed in the dark hours of the morning. And then the six a.m. wakeup from children who are somehow bursting with energy, despite the fact that they had you up all night!
There’s the anxiety of not knowing what to DO with all the new stages of growth, from sleep regression to tantrums to potty training to asking big questions at way younger ages than you expected them to. This anxiety is exacerbated by understandable fears about a dangerous world, and the fact that everybody is CONSTANTLY judging every choice you make as a parent.
Finally, there’s the heavy stone of depression that can set in when you feel like you’re in over your head, you don’t know what to do, and you start to think maybe you actually aren’t a good parent at all.
Something I need you to know right now, though, is that if you’re a parent reading this post, you ARE a good parent. Because you know who the good parents are? Good parents are the ones who show up. Good parents are the ones who try.
You don’t have to be perfect to be good. You just have to try, and fail, and keep trying anyway. Please, if you take one thing away from this post, let it be a little more kindness for yourself.
So. Those are the societal changes that have made modern parenting so difficult.
Parents are isolated, stuck at home without help, and suffering mentally and emotionally. Obviously, this is detrimental to children. So what do parents need to help them break out of these cycles?
They need access to people who are knowledgeable and confident about children’s development and behavior, who can offer clear guidance on how to handle the many struggles of raising children.
They need compassion and understanding from an adult support system—for themselves, and for their children. Whether this comes from family, friends, or another resource, parents need community.
So how do we achieve this?
I’m going to start by addressing Non-Parents — The childfree community. Grandparents whose children are already grown. Adults who plan to have kids but don’t yet.
This might surprise you. Like, why is it the job of people who aren’t parents to help parents raise their kids? They chose to be parents, and I didn’t! (Or—I already did my work! Or—I don’t have kids yet!)
I know we live in a hyper-individualistic culture that supports that point of view, but the truth of the matter is that raising children is a social good, one that is, in fact, necessary for the continuation of society. We love a functioning society, right? So I think it’s the responsibility of all adults to support parents in the work of raising children, for the good of all of us. (Tbh, if you’re a non-parent who has read this far, chances are you already agree and are looking for ways to support the parents in your life. If that’s you, welcome, and thank you for being here! You’re a rock star <3)
So! Non-Parents, this is how you can support parents:
1. Reach out! Check in with them, and not just about the baby!
Ask about how they are. Be there for them. Parenting is really that hard! Even if they’re not meeting you halfway—even if they act like this new baby is their whole world — do it anyway. They need you. If it’s a friend or relative you trust, who you know isn’t usually a selfish person and is usually good about reciprocating, you can rest assured that they will absolutely reciprocate again in the future, and they will always be grateful to you for being there when their lives got turned upside down.
2. Bring food!
Share it with them or drop it off. There are even services that will deliver food packages for new parents. Taking one big to-do off the list for the day can make a huge difference.
3. Spend time with them. Spend time with their kid.
Even if you don’t really like kids. Not only will you be able to hang with your friend and bond with them in this new phase of life, you might also find a new appreciation for kids if you spend time with one — especially if they’re related to someone you love! This is also helpful for parents, because they don’t have to secure child care to get some adult time. And can you imagine how nice it must be for them to share how delightful their kid is with a friend they love so much? Win, win, win!
4. Offer childcare!
This is only for those who are actually comfortable with children — maybe after you’ve hung out with the parent and child together a dozen times! Sometimes parents simply need a break. Knowing their child is safe will make it much easier to relax.
Now. How about the parents?
I know you have enough to do already, but in this case I’m asking you to caretake yourselves. Make it a priority! This is how you support yourself (and other parents) so you can show up for people who depend on you:
1. Prioritize your social needs. This is not selfishness! This is you resourcing yourself so that you can be there for your kids. Not only will nurturing your community relationships help you and your child, but the people in your life who love you will reciprocate. This will be a win for everybody.
Work on your relationships, especially with longtime friends and family, with the same energy and love you give to your romantic relationship and your relationship with your child.
If you can, move close to friends or family or ask them to come to you, even if only for a short period of time.
Find other parents who you can talk to about your shared experiences – even if their kids aren’t the same age or have entirely different temperaments from yours. You will have common ground, and you will benefit from sharing.
I mentioned earlier that a lot of adults turn to technology to meet our social needs. If you notice that’s true for you, it might be interesting to see if meeting your social needs in a more direct way leads to feeling less of a need for tech. When you share a meal with a friend, do you ever notice yourself skipping the show when you get home? When you get in a good long phone call with your college bestie, do you feel less of the urge to scroll insta? When you go to a yoga class and move and breathe with a group of adults for an hour, do you have more space to be with your child without the urge to give them a screen to distract them?
At the very least, finding new ways to fill your cup will give you more tools to turn to that don’t involve screens.
2. Ask for help, and let people help you.
I know you might be mad at me for this one, but it’s important. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: we were not meant to do this alone. We need community. Raising children is a team sport. There’s a reason you feel overwhelmed — it’s because you need and deserve breaks from parenting!
For some people, asking for help is nearly the hardest thing in the world, and accepting it is even harder. Please remember that you’re not alone, and you weren’t meant to be. Everybody struggles with parenting. There are people who want to help, and you deserve to be helped. Even more than that, your child deserves a parent who asks for and accepts help when they need it.
3. Seek therapy, coaching, classes, and guidance from whoever offers wisdom that resonates with you.
Especially if suggestions 1 or 2 create an immediate negative reaction for you! If you feel selfish, or guilty, or inadequate at the thought of prioritizing your social needs or asking for help as a parent, that might be a sign that you have some internalized beliefs you need to work through that are holding you back from meeting your own needs.
Put on your own oxygen masks, parents. Take care of yourself, so you will be there to take care of everyone else.
Find your village
Because I believe that what parents really need are clear guidance and community, these have become the focal points for my work with parents.
Guidance: Some of the best resources that I recommend come from the Montessori philosophy and from the Circle of Security program. I will be writing more about each of these, and I love talking about them, so please feel free to reach out with any questions you have!
What I enjoy about sharing these two lenses with parents is that they each encourage adults to take a step back and observe their child’s behavior, then try to decode it to understand the needs their child is expressing. Each of these philosophies gives insight into why children do the things they do and how adults can provide them outlets to address their needs. The combination of these two philosophies gives what I believe to be a near-perfect picture of why small children do what they do.
I say this as someone who has spent most of my life working with small kids. Not to brag, but I’ve come to understand their culture: They have very specific styles of thought, senses of humor, and behavior patterns—but they are also incredibly creative and constantly surprising. I’ve worked to be my best self around children, and when I’m able to do so, their best selves shine through in ways that never fail to astonish me. So I will also be writing and sharing more about the amazing things I’ve seen from children, because I know very few people have had the opportunity to experience them in the ways I have, and I’d really love to share with the world how incredible children can be.
When you understand kids, they feel it. They appreciate it. Understanding them also allows us, adults, to be kinder and more compassionate, and to take their behavior less personally. It creates opportunities for mutual respect.
I think our culture has lost our instinctive knowledge of children due to all the circumstances described above. In short, we’re disconnected from our natures. So, part of my mission as an educator is to help adults reconnect with their innate wisdom and, in the process, to understand their children better. The better people are able to understand each other, the better our relationships will inevitably be.
Community: In addition to writing, I love the work of hosting parenting groups and coaching parents and teachers. When we work together directly, I can give you specific information about what’s happening with your child, and I can help you to reflect on what’s happening with you. We can work together to find new ways to meet your children’s needs — and you’ll be amazed by the changes you see in their behavior when you do.
I’ve worked with parents whose children were prone to destructive tantrums, self-seclusion, and disruption at school, and helped them establish relationships where their children are learning to recognize and talk about their emotions. They come to their parents for help when they need it, while also taking responsibility to do things for themselves whenever they can. This makes sense, because the parents were doing the hard work on themselves and their relationships with their children, making sure they felt safe and understood.
I’ve also worked with teachers whose students were disruptive, destructive, whiny, argumentative, timid, and fearful. Over the course of our work together they grew into kind, caring, brave children who could directly communicate their needs to their teachers. Again, this is no surprise, because the teachers themselves showed amazing growth in their areas of struggle, and it was their confident presence that brought about the change in the kids.
I help both parents and teachers get these results by sharing the incredible Circle of Security program so they gain a full understanding of their children’s and students’ needs. This helps them stay curious about what children’s behavior says about their needs, as well as staying curious about where they themselves struggled to meet those needs.
Through the process of reflection with someone who understands the difficulty of their work and empathizes instead of judging, these parents and teachers were able to change their patterns so they could support their children’s needs, even when it was uncomfortable. And through their consistent work, they saw incredible changes in their children’s behavior.
This is the type of change parents can see from participating in the Circle of Security program, and even more so if they pursue continued coaching until it’s second nature. If you’re interested in joining a group of like-minded parents who want to be imperfect together, my next Circle of Security groups start in April!
No matter what you choose, parents, please remember that you’re not alone. Help is out there. And whatever phase you’re struggling with, it won’t last forever. You’ve got this!