Circle of Security
Attachment Parenting made easy
Before the Circle of Security Parenting class, I had very little training on handling emotional issues in the classroom. In the Montessori training, we were advised to move slowly and speak quietly, and the term “Preparation of the Self” referred to all the things teachers are expected to do outside the classroom to bring our “best selves” to the children.
Inside or outside the Montessori world, the advice for teachers about managing our emotions in the classroom always seem to be vague, on the verge of impossible.
“Leave your problems at the door!”
“Always give the children your best self.”
“Never get angry.”
Doesn’t that sound like an ideal teacher? I’d love to be her! But in practice, when one child is screaming, and another is hitting someone, and a third is asking for something repeatedly, oblivious to the chaos around him… it’s a little more difficult to just “be your best self.” Could we get some clearer instructions, please?
And then there are the differences of opinion about how to handle the children’s emotions. When a child is crying, should you cuddle and comfort her, or let her cry it out? If she’s crying because you had to give her a consequence for an antisocial behavior - like, biting another kid - is it rewarding the bad behavior to hold her and help her calm down? How do you know when a kid is just crying for attention, and when is it real?
I always tended to err on the side of comforting crying children, but sometimes I went with the prevailing wisdom of not “rewarding the bad behavior.” No matter what, I questioned myself, and felt uncomfortably unsure about how I was handling things.
I learned about the Circle of Security in the fall of 2019, and for the first time in all my years working with children, this class offered clear guidelines for how to handle emotional issues in the classroom. Both in the children, and in myself.
The class is based on Attachment Theory, which has been studied for over 50 years. It’s the study of how our relationships as children affect our behavior and the development of our personalities. The theory is that the relationships we each have in early life, especially with our parents, are the roadmap for how we relate to other people for the rest of our lives.
For instance, we learn how to handle emotions from our earliest caregivers. If we have parents who are uncomfortable with expressions of sadness, we will probably be uncomfortable with expressions of sadness. If we have parents who love to cuddle and struggle to separate, we will love to cuddle and struggle to separate.
Our attachment styles are also affected by things like repeated or sudden trauma, and things are complicated by the fact that most children have more than one caregiver in their early lives, so we can learn different capacities from different people.
But in general, the things we experience in relationships as children will probably be repeated in our own relationships with other adults, and with our children. That is, unless we take the time to notice our patterns and interrupt them, if we decide they no longer serve us.
Even for parents who already understand Attachment Theory, the Circle of Security program is worth your time, because it translates 50 years of theory into simple guidelines to help parents understand their children’s needs, and recognize their own strengths and struggles in relationship with their children.
I won’t share all the details of how the program unfolds, because I don’t want to rob you of the experience of uncovering it slowly! Circle was designed as an 8 week program so that parents have time to reflect and observe from week to week before expand their knowledge with the next chapter.
But I would like to share two of the central principles, introduced in the two first classes, which have helped me clarify my role with children, and which have guided me to finally trust and feel confident with my decisions handling emotional struggles in the classroom.
This video summarizes the first principle of the Circle. As you can see from the still above, “The Circle” is each child’s relationship with an Attachment figure (like mom, dad, grandma, or a teacher).
On the top of the Circle, children are leaving their caregiver to explore the world; on the bottom, they’re coming back for comfort and protection. Wherever the child is on the Circle, he needs a capable adult to meet his needs, which are different depending on if he’s going out or coming in. The needs on the top or bottom are listed in the next image. (On the top, Watch over me, Delight in me, Help me, and Enjoy with me; on the bottom, Protect me, Comfort me, Delight in me, and Organize my feelings.)
In the bottom right corner is the second principle I want to share, a mantra which has helped me countless times in the classroom, which the Circle company calls “(Almost) everything I need to support Attachment in 25 words or less”:
Always be Bigger, Stronger, Wiser, and Kind. Whenever Possible, Follow the Child. Whenever Necessary, Take Charge.
Montessori education taught me about children’s needs on the top of the circle. We are EXPERTS at providing opportunities for children to explore their worlds. What many Montessori teachers don’t realize, though, is that in order to explore, children need to feel safe.
This establishment of safety largely happens on the bottom of the Circle, when children aren’t ready to explore yet. They need to fill their emotional cups before they feel ready. Some teachers know this instinctively; but many of us tend to push children to explore before they’re really ready. This can lead to tears, clinginess, whining, or children who simply don’t engage purposefully with the material, because they’re overwhelmed by feelings of discomfort - even fear.
It was such a relief to realize that this was the key to knowing when to leave a lesson, and be sure that the child would keep working without me.
Suddenly, with just these first two classes, I felt more confidence in the classroom in terms of how to support children’s needs, whether they’re ready to explore or need me to fill their cups, and, how to react to stressful moments (Always be bigger/stronger/wiser/kind; whenever possible, follow the child; whenever necessary, take charge).
But my journey of self-reflection had just begun - I still had 6 weeks to go! I’ll share some of what I learned in later posts. For now I’ll say: this is just the tip of the iceberg.
(Psst - my next Circle groups for parents and teachers start at the end of June on Zoom, and we’ll be finished before the school year starts. Or, you can register now for fall!)
Over the next few years I learned everything I could about Attachment Theory. I took more Circle trainings, as well as the Integrated Attachment Theory training on how things look on the adult side of the equation - how the relationship patterns we learn as children show up as adult behavior, and even personality. It’s incredible how much of our behavior is driven by our attachment styles. I’m going to go into much more detail about all this in the coming months.
During my training to be a Circle facilitator, I had to pause the video lectures multiple times to give myself a chance to wipe my tears. It felt overwhelming, to have discovered something that can help so many people, and to think about offering these tools to parents that can improve their relationships with their children, for the rest of their lives. I felt a powerful sense of gratitude for this knowledge. I still feel it. I hope to see you in class, so we can share the feeling.